speak easy

Mommy Dearest

2009-04-09T13:11:31Z

You left me with a man who doted too much and now you're leaving me again.

I tried to leave you but I feel so guilty.

beaaaaa @ 2008-01-21T03:24:00

2008-01-20T19:25:32Z

<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#EEEEEE" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>What Beatrice Louisa Punongbayan Jaleco Means</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#FFFFFF"><center><img src="http://www.blogthingsimages.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/name.gif" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people.
Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people's problems.
Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.
You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.
You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/">What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?</a></div>

Too lazy to erase what I think is untrue. Just guess haha

love letter to no one

2008-01-20T19:17:38Z

I love you. It's not something that I do often, it's the only thing that I'm scared of, it's the only thing that I can't stop myself from doing. I'm a fool and I stumble and I collapse and without saying anything, you always knew when I needed you to fix me. You make me feel human and all soul at the same time. I always remembered your name like a fever or a flame. You found me when I didn't want to be found.

You're like the moon, waxing and waning when time begs for it. I never knew when you would come around but you always did at the right time. Smooth like honey, you'd make your entrance silently yet oh so loudly. You never needed words to say that you've come, your presence was always sufficient. You are perfection. When you walk into my room with the key that you've always had, I know that I've found my heart. You don't make me weak, you make me invincible. You restore everything that I once lost for somebody else, a lot of somebodies, a lot of moments lost ceaselessly in a world of never and forever. You restore my youth every day I age. The gray never looked so much brighter, so much lighter, so unbearably beautiful.

Take me with you as you leave tonight. Let's run away and return in the morning. Between here and there, there's no land we won't happily tread, leaving embers of what will be along the way. Let's fall out of grace together. Let us save our worlds with each other.

Share your secrets with me. Let me into your deepest thoughts. Let me feel your most gnashing pains. Share with me your dreams that will never be. Want me as much as you can bear. Love me til you feel it prick. Feel every inch of me. I offer you all of me, served with petals of sunshine and beads of sweat. Light or darkness makes no different with you. Earth and water feels intensely the same with you.

You are fire. My fire.

I love you.

beaaaaa @ 2007-12-28T23:36:00

2007-12-28T15:38:12Z

Everything done in secret feels 10x better *grin*

rarrrrr

2007-10-05T00:59:27Z

naiinis na ko sayo ha.

beaaaaa @ 2007-09-29T20:36:00

2007-09-29T12:55:16Z

Do good things really come to those who wait?

Is there really any love between lovers?

How do you know that it's karma?

___

I dont know what to say. There's nothing you can say. Too many eyes, ya know.

Coelho once said that "bodies understand each other even if souls do not." I can rest easy with that thought.

Factory Girl

2007-09-18T11:24:14Z

An excerpt from the "Factory Girl" synopsis:

"But when Edie becomes caught between Warhol’s world of sexy surfaces and her new love, she winds up rejected by both – and once again, set adrift in the modern world."

Ain't that true for most of us?

beaaaaa @ 2007-09-17T22:25:00

2007-09-17T14:26:04Z

I'm becoming more and more unhappy of where I'm at and for first time, I can't think of any other place I'd rather be.

Went home with a tipsy little head and a mind full of steam... and no hot dinner, not even a cold one.

There are alot of things that I can't wait for, literally... I need for them to happen right now. Patience was never a virtue that I believed in. It's all the same rubbish to me.

I miss my mommy. And more than anywhere, I'd rather be in Palawan. Safe and sound, with my belly full and a pocketful of fun. oooo-weeeee.

beaaaaa @ 2007-09-16T22:56:00

2007-09-16T15:03:41Z

Give me something temporary... promise me nothing and I promise to return the favor.

Last week was a flurry of strange emotions. There was no gray area. I was either way happy or way angry, way hungry or way full, way busy or way odle.

I hope hope hope that this week would yield concrete results. Maybe I'm not exerting enough effort... or maybe I exert too much.

This week better be better.

beaaaaa @ 2007-09-15T20:22:00

2007-09-15T12:23:55Z

I'm a strange drunk. I say strange things when I'm drunk... stuff that I usually forget by morning.

I think I should stop drinking again.

beaaaaa @ 2007-09-13T11:40:00

2007-09-13T03:43:08Z

i love sneering at people. especially those who look so uptight and who would instantly react to such a rude display of dislike. i can't remember when it started, it just did. i sneer at people in the mrt, in malls, friends of friends, friends, father, boyfriend of whoever, girlfriend of whoever, perverts, "stare-happy" passers by... and so on and so forth.

so if you catch me sneering at you, don't take it personally. it may have been an accident (that you saw), but chances are it's just a fault of habit. or i could really mean it, you never can tell.

so bear with this strange complexity that i have. it's really not worth being buggered about.

beaaaaa @ 2007-09-12T23:56:00

2007-09-12T15:56:41Z

Seems like everybody's on my shit list lately, especially the people who try too hard. Seems like I'm on everybody's shit list lately, that's nothing new for me.

What do you do when you stop enjoying what you do everyday? I say go somewhere else. But that's just me. I just can't find a good reason to stay. It's not like I'm getting paid enough to stay, or even recognized or thanked enough. I say goddamn!

I can't wait to go to the beach. I miss miss miss the sand and the sea and the sound and the smell of seaweed and salt... and the sun. Oh my God do I miss the sun. A nice tan would do me a world of good.

What do you do when you lose interest in a person? I say leave. I will soon enough.

beaaaaa @ 2007-09-06T14:04:00

2007-09-06T06:07:22Z

Which Trainspotting Character Are You? I like! Although gusto ko din si Sick Boy. Favorite ko si Sick Boy!

wag kang man-bitch

2007-03-29T11:40:04Z

pero naiintindihan ko yung point mo kahit na wala kang sinasabi. literal. para kang power vacuum... lammo yon, nakakalimutan ko lahat ng pinaniniwalaan ko pag anjan ka pumaparada sa harap ko. oh well, kumbaga next train nalang ang mga hindi makaksakay (ako yon). parang sa isang "non-moment" nawala yung kintab mo. ewan ko kung baket. bigla kong ginusto tumakbo sa pader at sabunutan sarili ko at sumigaw ng "what the fuck was i thinking?"

minsan talaga pumapalya ang utak.

beaaaaa @ 2007-03-10T17:01:00

2007-03-10T09:51:05Z

medyo sinisipag....

pumunta sa tondo para sa community service
kumaen sa tulyase with my fresh frosh friends marnie and arlo ng masarap pero mejo hindi na mainit na sizzling porkchop na lunod sa gravy at kapos sa laman pero mmmmmmm

nag fx pauwi. pinaka-masarap na fx ride ko sa buong buhay ko

naghubad ng damit na amoy tondo chikiting at sumayaw sandali wearing my grade school sando, lace panties and my killer camel boots to the tunes of a girl like you

nagwalis ng buong bahay kase di ko na ma-take yung alikabok habang full-blast yung sounds. oks lang sa kapit-bahay kase bingi naman sila e.. literal.

at ang aking reward for the day: grey's anatomy marathon at libreng dinner sa serendra kasama ang pamilyang kabila

ang sarap maging home alone sa bahay na wala akong pinag-gagastusan at kung saan may ashtray sa lahat ng lugar na maisipan mong magtatak ng yosi

and oh, natutuwa ako sa pedicured nails ko. magnifique. minsan lang to. tska 69 days and counting nang walang alak katawan ko. mejo nahihirapan nako pero kagabe, sumama ako sa inuman nila RJ at walong baso ata ng tubig nainom pero no beer whooooooo kahit 18 pesos lang ang red horse, kaya ko din pala huminde. akalain mo yon. SNAPS!

me and julie. trying hard not to be madrama. but we still cant stop
ourselves from checking our phones every 10mins hoping
for texts that will never come haha

rj and kristine. paboritong couple namen haha. i love you both!

me and kent. wala lang. haha

medyo delayed lang si God sa hinihingi kong "good day" kase nung thursday ko pa hinihingi yon. nagkaron kase ng isang araw last week na lammo yon, sobrang pangit. understatement pa yon. tipong feeling ko walang nagmamahal saken at may mysterious contempt saken si Lord. panahon lang ata ng monthly emotional breakdown ko.

na-realize ko din na kahit anong asta ko na di ko kelangan kahit sino at kaya ko lahat at ako lang ang tama, kelangan ko din ng "someone" pero paminsan lang naman, depende sa mood, at hindi ko kaya lahat tulad ng pagkarga ng TV kase mashadong mabigat at mali rin ako minsan kahit papano pero di ko talaga matanggap. taurus moon e. kabbalah anyone?

*-*-*-*-*
TO BE FREE emiliana torrini
Once in a house on a hill
A boy got angry
He broke into my heart

For a day and a night
I stayed beside him
Until I had no hope

So I came down the hill
Of course I was hurt
But then I started to think

It shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself

There's a bar by the dock
Where I found myself
Drinking with this man
He offered me a cigarette
And I accepted
'Cause it's been a very long time
As it burned 'till the end
I thought of the boy
No one could ever forget

It shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself

To pull myself together
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself

To pull myself together
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself

beaaaaa @ 2007-02-27T19:00:00

2007-02-27T11:04:01Z

i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. writing a paper (im supposed to be writing one right now) has never been this difficult. my mind is going a mile a minute and the other part of my brain, the processing part can't keep up. i'm just bloated with 10 million different emotions and ideas right now and i dont know which should come first. and to top it all of, my mouth is bleeding. don't ask.

i went to a kabbalah seminar yesterday. it was strange. i didnt understand a single concept but it left a taste in my mouth. i found myself feeling very different. it's hard to describe... you ever get the feeling that even if you're going through your routine you feel like something's off? i have this ominous feeling that i can't shake off. anyway, this morning i had to watch a documentary about different religions and how religion is the root of evil. it was compelling but not in the way that i should be compelled, i think.

i dont think that my faith in God is waning, i'm just kinda turned-off by people who only dare to scratch the surface of their faith. and their self-righteousness. and their arrogance. and their stubbornness. and their elitism...

beaaaaa @ 2007-02-07T23:28:00

2007-02-07T15:40:34Z

shet. ang hirap ng may sore throat at sip-sip-sipon. ngayon pa kung kelan di pwede umabsent sa school. ano to, preview ng "real" life in the "real" world? but im not getting paid!!! tablaaaaaaa (as if maiiwasan).

diabetes takes the fun away from a gluttonous spree of krispy kreme donuts.

dahil natuto akong mag-drop ng subjects, natuwa ako mashado kaya naging hobby ko siya. shempre ako din naman nahihirapan ngayon pero it's not entirely bad. may community service ako (usually reserved for first year students) so may classmates ako na bata perooooo ang fun nilang mga bata... alamuyooon, mga walang isyu sa buhay... lahat nakakatawa kahit yung mga corny jokes...sold!

i still miss him. make it stop!!!!

...and my hair. i miss my hair.

happy new year

2007-01-02T07:12:35Z

i celebrated my birthday with my dad and his family. it was a bit strange to me, he's a bit of a stranger now. funny how people change after you stop living with them. i think i was more excited about starting another year than starting it with him, i was more excited about the food and the fireworks than the gifts. i remember how close my dad and i used to be. i used to run to him for absolutely everything, from a 1cm paper cut to a cyst removal operation. it's alot different now, i still run to him for the smallest things but i think he caters to my high-maintenance needs out of sheer obligation rather than the expected concern that i am after. oh well...

for the past years (since living with my mom), we celebrated new year by preparing dinner, eating dinner, watching tv after dinner while waiting for midnight and then going to sleep after watching the neighbors' fireworks. i've forgotten how to "properly" celebrate new year. when i was a kid, we would light up sparklers, some noise makers, eat vast amounts of food that was supposed to bring luck. this year was like that, very superstitious. it was fun tho, i had fun.

2007 is here and i feel that it's gonna be better. i have a few resolutions for this year: gain weight (at least 10lbs but i'll still be underweight), go to church and read the Bible more often, share my thoughts more, stop drinking before i get drunk and graduate.

i'm going to the parlor tomorrow, time to change my hair again. i miss my long hair but im gonna stick with this length for now.

beaaaaa @ 2006-12-17T09:20:00

2006-12-17T09:20:32Z

i finally went to Sunday service for the first time this year. People have been telling me how different the Worship Hall looks like now but I had no idea how different it really is. It has a balcony now, it's not as cold as before and it's very cozy. A lot has happened since my last Sunday worship. The church is really expanding and that's great.

Anyway, I realized that I have to regain my foothold before I back slide any farther and I wouldn't know how to find my way back.

Me: Eto na ata pinaka-grabeng taon ng buhay ko
Kara: Yan din sinabi mo next year e...
Me: Pero iba 'to, simula pa lang mali na.
Kara: Dapat ata talagang tulog ka lang sa birthday mo, malas ata pag ikaw mismo cinelebrate bday mo.
Me: So ibang tao nalang magccelebrate para saken?
Kara: Dapat wasak ka na ng mga 10pm para pagdating ng new year dead to the world ka na... parang dati.
Me: isip isip

Another realization, HINDI TALAGA AKO MARUNONG MAG-RELAX! now that the term is over and i dont have anything to do, i can't sleep!! so naturally, ang solusyon ay ang mag-aral padin kahit di kelangan... ng kahit ano! basa ng kahit anong libro, lahat ng Newsweek na lalabas bilhin at basahin... CNN at BBC all day everyday, except kung may magandang basketball or football game. nerd na kung nerd. ang hirap maging idle... mashadong madaming basura na pumapasok sa utak.

beaaaaa @ 2006-12-15T10:44:00

2006-12-15T10:44:12Z

the term is offcially over! FINALLY! *sigh* my brain can finally rest for a couple of days. sleep sleep sleeeeeeeeeep. i just realized that i'm never in a relaxed state. di ata ako marunong mag-relax, ang lungkot. kaya nakakatakot din na wala na akong kelangan gawin at wala akong kelangan isipin na may relasyon sa school kase mashadong hyper-active utak ko. basag lang katapat niyan.

2 weeks of hibernation... so far di naman ako naghahanap ng tao. yung mga kapit-bahay ko lang hinahanap ko. sana matuloy adventure namen ni kara bago maubos pera ko. kelangan pag-patak ng birthday ko e bago nanaman buhok ko. shiyet, bday ko nanaman. basagan before midnight and just sleep the new year away. sounds like a plan. hopefully di na manakaw ko phone ko EVER!

ang sarap pakinggan si juelz santana... oh yes!

nasabaw ang utak ko sa mga ginawa ko ngayong araw, wala man lang alak na involved. DRAINED. this was a tough year. i got through it tho... not completely unscathed but still alive. just a little tired.

just a little tired.

Things To Undo

2006-12-11T04:57:26Z

i just love this essay that i found in fray.com

Things to Undo by J. Tarin Towers

Love requires us, not just when ending, to undo as many things as we do. We can undo words with kisses, but we cannot undo kisses with words.

I made a valentine, a collage of candy hearts: "Love me, You prince, I'm yours, Your girl" – a river of words cut like a ransom note from a bag of candy, shellacked inside a heart-shaped box. Surprisingly beautiful, what made it ornate was the time spent.

Artists with notorious appetites for love – or, to the naked eye, sex – have always undone objects by creating others, and it's the same with love. You can't recant a sculpture, but you can make another; you cannot unlove someone, but you can love again. Surely, you can no more destroy works of art you've already given to the world than you can destroy past moments that led up to love's creation. Glances, caresses, and more complicated acts exist in time as small brushstrokes adding up to the tangibly intangible object that we create through either collaboration or obsession: love.

Love exists not just as a feeling in the body but as a force field of its own, affecting the passage of time and casting every room it enters with specific light: velvet fog of gas lamps; television's blue glow; brilliant, breathtaking, untenable color – light of fireworks; flickering, dangerous fire – these latter two bringing noise as well as illumination.

We created light like a permanent nuclear sunset. I knew the end was nigh, but when he dumped me into the ravine like evidence, I needed to create a Taj Mahal to undo the valentine I'd made. "I don't want to be in love," he said. I'd like to hear a better example of destroying something because it exists.

The way to purge your innards of your muse is to create one last homage. Neruda's most brilliant love sonnets were, in the end, break-up poems. I'm not so vain as to compare myself with Neruda, but I can declare myself nearly as lucky and cursed to have fallen in love deeply, darkly, and repeatedly in such a way that every word I write carries with it meanings imbued by the light of past loves, that every word I write about a lover is both a mirror and a hammer.

How lucky we are to have Burning Man, our fabulous week-long carnival that lives by this principle: everything is temporary, so make it beautiful and then make it disappear completely. The object burned at the first festival was also an effigy of the founder's ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend. The entire (although not the only) idea is that you can bring your love to the end of the world, you can build a giant monument to it, and then you can celebrate it by setting it on fire.

On the way home from a poker game in Alamo Square, just a week before leaving for the desert, I found a broken guitar in the rubble of a demolished house. I trucked it to the desert with two bags of Conversation Hearts, superglued the candy in rows like stripes on a rainbow (so beautiful in nature and so trite in graven images). The guitar looked nearly edible. The last night, I walked to a public fire and burned it. Nothing looks more like passion and destroyed passion all at once than a guitar on fire. Call it ritual, call it grieving, call it art, call it indulgence: The object created in order to destroy is the only reasonable response to the end of a love that was destroyed only because it existed.

beaaaaa @ 2006-12-05T14:15:00

2006-12-05T14:15:31Z

~~thesis proposal defense tomorrow 1015-1100AM~~
~~International Law report tomorrow 1700-1830~~
~~Othello paper on Thursday~~
~~French final exam on Thursday~~
adjustment for special classes (for a June graduation)
History of Civilizations journal
paper about the Unbearable Lightness of Being and the self-other relations
a 10-page case study paper about international law
finals for international law plus an on-line exam all due next week

and oh, i only have 50 bucks in my wallet, i have no decent earphones for my ipod and to top it all off.. my cat just died.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

beaaaaa @ 2006-12-03T08:07:00

2006-12-03T08:07:30Z

ang hirap ng walang pera.

i'm hanging on by a thread here. sweet madness. i dont want to think about anything tonight.

beaaaaa @ 2006-11-20T06:52:00

2006-11-20T06:52:59Z

no more downers for me please. thank you.

beaaaaa @ 2006-11-12T08:24:00

2006-11-12T08:24:23Z

"I see that those who touched my heart failed to arouse my body, and that those who aroused my body failed to touch my heart."

Paolo Coelho, Eleven Minutes